San Diego/New York Excerpts

To my San Diego
Dearest former city, where the Sun shines and all revolve around it (: As I sit here across the country from you, I wish a little that things were different while I know its probably better they are not. Things change all the time, and they will continue to do so. So I don't look back in regret or sorrow, but I remember what has passed so I will be better off the next time around.

When I found you, it was me discovering something new. Although I'd been to the place and experienced things there and it was nice, really finding you was like being there in a whole different way. I was in a different place in life and you were there with me. You being there wasn't in my original plans, but things would not have been the same had you not. As I continue to pass through phases and stages of life and myself, I don't want to return to where we were before, but maybe we can enter someplace new together. Since cities are hard to move, maybe one day down the line I'll come back to you, and we can start again for the first time. But who knows where either of us will be.

Even though you aren't moving, I'm the one that's easier to find. I put myself out there and reach out to you, but you continue on your own ways with your own, specific agenda. I'm not mad at you. I knew how you are when I found you. And I knew you were probably not the best at the time, but you were still your own flavor of wonderful. I was still lucky to find you and know you. And while I knew in the back of my mind that for me you were best as a down the road home or a vacation and place to be remembered fondly but only really touched briefly now, I held on to a hope you could somehow be my permanent for the time. Even though I've known and planned to not find permanent until further down my road, the way things worked out and how we collided made me wish we could just settle and be. Together.

But in order for me to settle, I first have to run around and play. I have places to see, things to do, tastes to discover, experiences to feel. And you have your own wonderful things holding you where you are. So you continue on the way you are, where you are tied and have responsibilities, where you have made your bed and choose where you will lie tomorrow. And I'll continue on my venturing. Maybe I'll visit. Maybe one day you'll miss me.

But I'm not sure how much cities miss people. Namely me. You never know though, sometimes people make an impact. I might have made an impact.

I know you don't hate me. I know what was between us was real and true. I know you made all the space you could for me in the best you knew how. I know it couldn't stay like that forever. It's not that I don't love you. It's not that I don't like you. It's not that I don't want to be with you. I just can't be with you right now. You know that. I finally admit it. So away I am until I can accept you for what you are and what you offer and appreciate and love it all as is. And away I am until you want me, really want me back. And want to give to me. And am right for me.

And away I am until you are able to love me. Even if I come back and you don't yet, I want you to be able to. I know deep down that San Diego did love me in its own unique way, and that will be between us, but if we meet again for an extended period of time, let's make it an even, two-way street.

I'll always have a piece of you in my heart. You helped me discover so much of what I am and are the balance to a lot in me. So no matter how far away we are physically, you'll always be the only city who holds your exact place. Positively.

I know you're in high demand. Perhaps you'll later demand me.

I hope you grow and later hold a place for me. But if not, if it just does not click and we are not meant to be, then I will continue around until I find some sort of permanent or contentedness with lack thereof. But if you ever think of me when the sun sets over the Pacific or the image of a brown-eyed and brown-haired San Diego girl rises, consider holding that place for me.

Love and flying by Jet Blue kisses,
SB

January
I can’t help but contrast the two. I look out to the urban jungle that is here, and think of how it isn’t the waves, warehouses and office buildings with green grass and shady trees, beaches, and landscaped freeways. There, where I know my way around, where it’s familiar, where I can direct and voice educated advice. Here, where there is the thrill of newness, learning it and soaking it all up, enjoying the discoveries and flutters of each day, but not yet the sense of really knowing or being "in."

San Diego and New York. Where I was, and where I am. Where a piece of my heart lies, and where I might yet leave a piece of my heart.

When I get around to remembering and appreciating, it feels like home there. But it’s there, I’m here, and I make my own home. My home is where my heart is, and I’m holding on to the majority of my heart to carry with me now. Pieces of it lie elsewhere and forever will. And now the street plus cultured bringing up of New York is pulling me into a whole new area.

I don’t miss where I was, but I miss things about it. It was familiar. It was fun. It was good. It wasn’t right for me then, still isn’t now, but definitely is a strong part of me. No matter how much my “new yauk” accent may creep in, I can’t deny what makes me me, what acts as my reference and the yardstick I measure against.

Finally I can appreciate it for what it is. It doesn’t hurt anymore; I’ve adjusted. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t ignite a special place within. Not one that blazes out and causes rethinking of things, but one that is the only one I’ve known to fit so well, even with all the difficulties and drawbacks.

I don’t want the drawbacks, so it is what it is. But there is some comfort knowing there is a place somewhere that at one point was perfect for the person I am at my core.

Thankfully, it’s not a love triangle, or even a like triangle. Thankfully, things are moving at an easy pace. But in every new relationship, there is the past. Each has it. And my past includes San Diego, while my present includes New York. Right now, that’s all I want it to hold. But who knows what the future holds.

When I’m in New York, and really allow it to flow and get into the New York vibe, it feels good. Really good. Floating on air good. Yes, it’s only been a short time, but when it fits, it fits. When I'm in San Diego, it’s with fondness of things past. Yes, it was good, yes, it was unfortunately complicated and ill-suited in many ways. I had to go. It wasn’t right to be home, which I knew from the get-go, but it worked for what it was. It can only be home when it has something, enough, to offer me. Which isn’t now, and I don’t really want it to be. I need to try something else, keep growing, and better equip myself for whatever may or may not happen. I’m happy. I’m happy here.

San Diego where the Sun is, and New York where the Snow may come soon enough. Both are wonderful in their own way, but who’s to say what’s better.

"your heart and mind baby follow it
smile, happiness you can model it"

Suited.
I’m not certain if New York or San Diego is better suited for me because I haven’t gone through a full cycle with each yet. I think there are certain episodes and events that are endured (or not), from which you can start to determine how well it will work. Not that I’m looking forward to or wanting any conflicts, but through them you discover what sticks, what fails, what is stronger, and what is no longer there. And with time, you can evaluate the amount of conflicts or lack thereof.

So time tell. I just wish it would speak up sooner rather than later.

It seems that is the recurring theme in my life right now. I keep hearing myself say, “Only time will tell.” Sometimes all you can really do is give it time. And though I’ve said it at least 7 times in the past 24 hours, it’s a hard concept to embrace.

Giving something time means allowing it and all that happen during it to pass. I get antsy when things are out of my control. Mind you, I do know most is out of my control and what I feel is in my control could easily not be, but at least I have the sense of making effort. So, perhaps my effort in this is allowing time to take its course.

Or course, I’ll still be me and act and react as things happen and I see appropriate. But the most powerful variable in it all right now is time.

Will we stand the test?

My mind-melodramatics kicked in last night as I worried if I might have broken it. Much evidence points to the contrary, but I would be annoyed with someone behaving like I did. But I just now realized annoyance does not mean a full falling out. Wish I thought of that a couple hours ago.

Sometimes I think New York can accept me more than San Diego can in all of my glory. Me with tattoos, love of chill indie rock and underground hip hop and rockabilly, desire of culture in high art and low-brow, draw to small operations I’m passionate about, and an attitude and bluntness I can only hold back occasionally. Me in all of my randomness and over-activity and talking things to death and questions and giggling in the middle of would-be sentences. Me that San Diego had a hard time keeping up with. Maybe I’ll fit in better in New York. But man, that New York is a tough one to break.

In a way, I feel like the concrete that abounds in New York is harder to break through. But when I think about it, San Diego has walls and unmalleable material all over. San Diego also has sand, sand I wrote in easily. Sand that wanted me to make my mark, and I did. And sand the ocean washed away the marks of. But I got my in there.

But isn’t concrete just stiffened up sand and similar materials? Perhaps it’s harder to carve into, but not impossible. And mind you, there are other ways to leave a mark, and concrete is great for grafitti.

So maybe I’ll tag New York soon enough. Or maybe I’ll just wait until the Snow comes and make a snow angel when New York is in a softer place. We shall see.

Some things are better left to their own devices and to develop as they may. Only time will tell.

Old New York.
It's not like New York and I have some huge history. And yet, I hear the call for old New York. I understand the desire for things as it used to be, for a simpler time. . . for when things were still open, the option to spend quality time as before, the freedom to just be, to make it my own, and not worry about a guest list.

Correction: New York and I have a huge history. Anyone looking at us sees it could fill a history book. Not spanning over a long period of time, but rather, filled with significance over the past year and a half. I know, it's the significance I have assigned it, but I am doing so.

I know it's recommended to move on, embrace the new, and appreciate positive change. And I do. In our new, I'm not depending on New York every second to add to my happiness. I'm not indulging in borderline obsession with its occurrences. I'm not anxiously hanging onto all I can for fear of losing it. Finally, I'm at peace and accept me, regardless of what is going on with New York. I found my own independent vibe.

I see that I've grown up a bit. I'm not looking to New York to inspire me, to call me forward, to grant permission, to pull me up. I can do that on my own. And as wonderful as that is, it's disconnected. I don't feel complete.

It's like we coexist in the same place, not speaking, in some sort of standstill. I quietly reflect on New York. I admire from afar and silently imagine our future. But with our contact radically changed, I am aware I am not based in reality. My thoughts on what is going on with us are actually what used to be and what could be, but with blurry edges and a dim light. I can't tell you what is actually so with New York, even though I'm right here.

Right here. Right by New York in my own space. I love my own space, but I thought it would be different. I see now, in my own space not defined by New York, I appreciate New York for it's greatness. I see the beauty that was always there, but before I was so consumed with throwing in so much other stuff it got crowded. Too crowded. I want to clear the space, but right now we are just here. Both great, and separated.

Which, is fine. New York doesn't have to love me back or verbalize it or coddle me. Regardless of its reciprocation or lack thereof, I will always love New York. I will love New York from my soul and the complete inside of my heart. But I wish I had closure. It doesn't have to be a formal send off or well wishes as I continue to grow, but I would like an acknowledgment of the shift. To be perfectly honest, I'd like to know what is going on with New York, what happened, where it sees us. Not like that will be the absolute defining truth, but as a way for me to check in with what's going on. But if I don't get that, completing anything outstanding would be just as fine.

Bottom line: New York is always going to be great. With me, without me, it is a damn great city. I am lucky to have experienced it as I have. And I have added to New York. I have left my own mark and shaped it differently, in a positive and somewhat trying matter, and all with the intention to love and express how I know how. Now, here we are, and no matter where we are in the history book, it's another chapter to write. We'll see how it goes.